Oh goodness, it’s one of those days. Savannah has been whining since the moment she got up at 6:30 (clearly, way to early for her to be up). She’s only some-what content if we’re outside. But really? It’s like an oven out there and it’s not even officially summer yet! We surely cannot spend all day out side baking, but try explaining that to a 15 month old teething girl. *sigh*
She screamed when dinner wasn’t quite ready yet. And when it was ready? She screamed some more. Mark’s Dad gave me a lecture on how I’m not firm enough with her and she takes advantage of me. And then? She pooped in the tub. A nice slimy one that got everywhere. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
I’m discovering that being a 24/7 SAHM Mom is very wearing. By the end of the week I’m spent, and by Saturdays I’m really needing a break. Remember last Saturday’s cry? It’s odd that Saturdays are my worse day of the week now, it’s like my new Monday. But that’s the good thing that by Monday I’m refreshed and ready again.
And on top of this, my little heart is hurting with adoption stuff. Kaylee’s birthday is less than 2 weeks away and this is always the hardest part…leading up to it. I’m dealing with issues like guilt, that I’m not letting her know I love her enough. I don’t call and ask to speak to her. I don’t send her letters. I don’t even know simple things like her favorite color or food. But then again…I don’t want to intrude on their lives with these things, they’re already busy enough. Oh, it’s hard to find the right balance.
Here’s to hoping tomorrow is a better day. With no poop in the shower, please.
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I know it is tough right now but one good thing is that every birthday brings Kaylee one year older and closer to being able to communicate directly with you, so she can share all of those details herself.
I will say this – we don’t view letters as an intrusion at all. They allow us to share and address them when the time is right, rather convenient!
By Michelle H. on 05.31.08 7:27 pm | Permalink
Oh my dearest Leah. I am so sorry for your frustrations. But deep down you know you love being her mom and even through all of the screaming Saturdays and poops in the tub! You can do this! I know you can! I know it seems impossible now but you are a great mother and and Mark is a great father! As a team, God will strengthen you and you will find it in you to remain strong for this little girl.
Now on the Kaylee subject. I know it is hard for you right now, but don’t beat yourself up. You spend so much time trying to let that girl know you love her and I am sure she knows you do! Don’t fret the limited phone calls and letters..I know nothing about adoption or having a child for that matter, but I do know you and I do know that you show that girl more love than anyone ever could. Letting her go was the best decision you could have made for her at that time in your life, and when she is old enough to understand she will thank you for doing it out of love. You have more of a relationship than most people ever have the chance to get with their child they put up for adoption and your unique relationship with Kaylee and her adoption family is amazing!! I will be praying for God to comfort your heart during these next couple of weeks, and that you can just release your saddened heart to Him. I love you!
By Jessica on 06.01.08 11:25 am | Permalink
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