You know what’s funny?  Every single research paper I’ve done in my college career has been based on adoption (granted this is only my second year, but still).  Often the topic for my classes has been, “Research what you’re interested in!” and so, I chose adoption.  Especially since my freshman year I was aiming towards a social work degree, coming fresh from the adoption world (Kaylee had turned 1 before I started college) and trying to dive into it even more by learning all about it.  I can’t exactly remember what my original papers were about specifically, I just remember creating a cool survey for my friend that happened to be an adoptee (Victoria, who just posted a really moving poem about her adoption).

This semester?  Once again, some how,  I’ve closed in on adoption as my topic. I didn’t mean to, I promise. It just jumped out from the pages of the book we’re supposed to base this paper on (The Red Tent by Anita Diament…very interesting stuff!).  As I was reading about Dinah’s reactions and feelings towards her mother-in-law basically taking over her son and all the events that follow, it just stood out to me. It reminded me of how I’ve felt at times, how I’ve seen other birth mothers describe their experiences, or how some just plain isolate themselves like Dinah did. Of course it’s not an exact adoption that we’d think of, but I think I have enough evidence.

And now the research has begun.  I’ve been reading about relationships between adoptive parents and birth parents, effects adoption can have on the children, and of course, the experiences of birth mothers.  From pre-birth/placement ideas, to the birth, holding their children, signing adoption papers, leaving the hospital, etc. And, since this topic hits so close to home, it’s bringing up stuff I forgot was even there.  It’s bringing up memories and heart ache I all too often have pushed aside.  Moments that brought many, many tears. Is this a bad thing, for me to push things aside?  I don’t think so. I don’t think I have to relive these moments every day and feel sadness every day to make my adoption experience real.  I don’t have to wallow in sadness to acknowledge my daughter’s presence in my life. It’s ok to “move on” in a sense (though, a birth mother never completely moves on). I’m happy, she’s happy.  I honestly feel at that point in my life, I did the best thing for us.

I also don’t think it’s a bad thing to relieve these moments.  It’s tough to think about again, heck yea. But, as I read tonight some where tonight, it’s those moments that I had to go through (that I was lucky enough to go through in some cases), like getting to hold Kaylee when she was born and whenever I wanted, being able to pick out her parents and meet them before hand, signing those adoption papers, etc. that help me to grieve, but also to heal.  You have to grieve before you can heal.

Still, it’s hard to be reminded of these moments that I often don’t think about.  I’d really rather think about the good things within our adoption.  Our reoccurring visits, phone calls with Kaylee’s mom, all the pictures we have together throughout the years, sharing in her birthday parties, buying her presents, watching Kaylee and Savannah interact together.  Its priceless moments like these that make my soul smile, that make it worth it.  The negative stuff has it’s part, yeah, but the positive stuff outweighs the negative much more for me.

And speaking of Kaylee, we’re set of have our Christmas visit in less than 2 weeks! I’m excited. We bought her (and her brother’s) Christmas presents yesterday.  My whole family will be joining us as well (I haven’t seen them in months either, so double excitement!).  Last time Kaylee saw Savannah she was only 5 months old and not mobile. I look forward to see the differences in their interaction now.  I look forward to seeing my daughter.