I’m feeling a little more normal, as long as I don’t over do it and just don’t talk. Apparently I sound like an old lady when I do talk, plus it just hurts. So instead of talking, I’ve been playing with my new gadget:

Yes, it’s a Nikon D60. Go ahead and drool, cause I am.  I’ve been wanting to upgrade our camera for a while, partly to enhance my interest and skills in photography, but mostly so that we could have super quality memories to store of Savannah. However, if you’ve ever looked at camera’s, you’d know that SLR’s aren’t the cheapest camera’s around so we’ve held off.  But, I saw some refurbished ones on ebay that were cheaper than the store and had a coupon for some % off and I talked hubby into allowing me to buy it now instead of waiting until September for my birthday present.

Funny story: I got so excited after he told me YES I could buy one, I starting bidding without paying close attention. I ended up buying just the camera body without a lens!  Not just that, but I accidentally bought TWO of them!  The same company was selling the same item and they were the same price at the time and I thought I was bidding again on the same thing. Doh! I was so mad at myself and probably never will bid again on ebay. But, the company was understanding and canceled the second order. However, that still left me having to buy a lens and accessories instead of being smart and buying a whole package together. Note to ebayers: Don’t get click happy without realizing what you are buying.

It’s worked out though. I got a refurbished lens and was able to buy a better one than it normally comes with and a super GB memory card to store thousands of pictures (all on ebay but with Buy It Now option). So I guess that’s the silver lining of not buying a package deal, I got to pick out exactly what I wanted.

That said, here’s some pictures I’ve taken the past few days as I’m learning what I can do with it:

This one I cropped and enhanced the color

This one is straight out the camera. I love it.

Doughnut faces!

While I’m recovering from my nasty cold and going to use Savannah’s nap time to nap myself, just thought I’d share my project for my last class. The assignment was a creative one that expresses what feminist issues are close to you and what you can do to help. My biggest issue right now? Raising Savannah. And that’s something I can definitely do something about starting now.

(Of course, being sick, I didn’t make it to school to show the class and talk about it so I’m hoping and praying I still get the credit.)

1. I’m alive. But sick. Sorry if I’m not around this week, I might not even make it to school tomorrow *gasp*.

2. Savannah is home! She grew even in the two weeks she was gone.

3. Two giveaways on Review blog!

While I am still at peace and know there is nothing I could have done about my miscarriage, I’m seeing pregnant people everywhere or stumbling across their blogs where they describe pregnancy stuff…and it stabs me in the heart.

While at Best Buy on Friday I was watching Mark and Brother-In-Law play Rock Band when a pregnant woman, probably 5-6 months, was looking at products near by and I had to walk away to keep from crying in the store. It hurts, yall.  It hurts to be reminded that right now I would be near or in my 4th month, about to find out the gender of my baby.  Summer was supposed to be about a cute little belly in a bathing suit, feeling the tiny flutters for the first time, and finally getting that long awaited ultrasound appointment to know whether we would have a boy or girl.

It doesn’t affect me all the time because for the most part I am doing really well and know that things happen for a reason, but sometimes the emotions do hit at weird times.  I can see a pregnant lady at church and not be affected, but the next day I may be. The feelings of a miscarriage totally remind me adoption feelings. The emptiness at times. The sadness that the dreams you had won’t be lived out with you, but some where else, whether with new parents or in Heaven. And yet similarly, the grief cycle has been the same as well but at an accelerated rate either because my pregnancy was much shorter this time or because I’ve been through grief a million times before and know what to do: turn to God.

I am closer to God than ever right now and I’m thankful. My feet are on solid ground, but sometimes God just has to hold me up a little more.  And as I say a prayer for my babies to hear, to know they will always be in my heart, I’m reminded they are well taken care of (as is Kaylee) and one day…I will get to hold them and know who they are forever.

Savannah is obsessed with Disney princesses, pretty much like every other little girl in America that I know.  And on the surface, it seems like a good thing.  Ya know, all happy and beautiful and girls getting what they really want, like true love (after the Prince saves her, of course).  I can’t lie, I used to watch the movies and dress up in the same Princess clothes that Savannah does now.  But as I’ve been taking many, many woman’s studies classes that touch on issues and the messages we send young girls and grew up with ourselves, yes, it does worry me. Am I worrying for nothing? Maybe. Did I turn out alright? Yes, but don’t we want better for our children?

Think about it. Pretty much every woman I know has body issues.  Now you and I compare our selves to magazine covers and TV ads constantly, probably not even realizing it. We’re forced against an unattainable standard of beauty daily, constantly through the day, and it’s proven statistically that it brings us down about how we feel about ourselves just with a few flips of a page.  Because there are not “real” women in most of the media, not one (perhaps minus the Dove Campaigns) that doesn’t turn to plastic surgery, personal trainers, professional make up artist, air brushing, etc. We can’t keep up with them with our child bearing hips, crows feet wrinkles, and belly flab.   Sadly though, we start the comparison at a very young age. In fact, Disney shows us images of women not liking their looks. Ever seen Peter Pan?  In the beginning Tinker Bell is admiring her reflection when she looks down and is shocked by the size of her bottom and hips. Ever noticed that all the princesses bodies look the same, just different hair or skin color?  They all look like Barbies, with super skinny waists and big boobs, even though they are supposedly around the age of 16 (I know the Little Mermaid is 16), totally unrealistic and, again, unattainable for most people (and not to mention an unattainable life style as well). Why is there not more a variety? And why does the men always save the woman?  Why can’t the woman ever save herself?

And what about other messages?  Like Beauty and the Beast, do you realize that is an abusive relationship right there? Bell is taken captive by the Beast, she is locked up (isolated from her father, typical sign), she has to deal with several bouts of his anger and rage, but then it gets happy because he suddenly changes to a Prince because of “love.”  And we let our children watch this movie thinking it’s a happy princess ending and thus saying that abuse is ok?  I watched a documentary about the Disney movies, and no lie, there were kids who picked up what was going on and said things like, “I love Beauty and the Beast! I just feel bad for Bell because she has to live with the Beast when he gets really angry.”  How is that a love story? How is that a good message, when it’s saying “Stick with the man you love even if he’s a beast because eventually he’ll turn around!” Wrong. In real life, he won’t turn around, it will only get worse. (Note: If you are my family or friend, please do not buy Savannah this DVD for her birthday or Christmas ;-) Thanks!). Our girls deserve a better example of true love than that.

Now please, please don’t get me wrong. I grew up with Disney and have the same fond childhood love as you all do. I loved going to Disney World, and probably will take Savannah there one day because it’s a great and magical experience. My problem is that girls get sucked into this world and watch these movies over and over, they dress up like them and want to be like them, and they internalize just as we have the messages about relationships and body.  No, Disney is not all bad.  I just wish they would think more clearly about the total package they are sending to girls and I think us as parents need to careful watch what we put on the TV to filter the messages and images, even if it means giving up a DVD like Peter Pan or Beauty and the Beast.

Anyways, what inspired this post were these images by Dina Goldstein. She does something really neat with these Princesses, she brings them to modern day life and what they may be like if they had realistic endings.  These are two of my favorites (if you know the stories they speak for themselves), more can be found here.

With Savannah away at my parent’s for the next week, I’ve decided to use all this extra free time to not just refresh my sleep (though that 12 hours I just got was lovely!), but also refresh my soul. These past few months have certainly brought me closer to God, but I still feel like there is so much more God wants me to learn and do with my life.  I want our home to be a place that is filled with God’s love, and right now if it doesn’t exist in my husband and I, it can’t over flow to Savannah and our home. I need to learn to prioritize my time, and it starts with God.

For starters, even though I don’t have any close Christian friends near me, Victoria and I are going to be doing a daily devotion together over the internet using Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I’m stoked. We both love our God but we both fail at spending as much time with Him as we should, so this will not only strengthen our friendship but also our relationship with God as we keep each other accountable.

Secondly, we’re looking around for a church that has more opportunities to get involved. We love, love, love our church but as Savannah grows older and Mark and I are growing as well, I feel this need to be apart of a group that has more things to offer than just a Sunday service, like Bibles studies, financial studies, women’s groups, kids groups, etc.  It’s sad because we love our church, we even feel a sense of guilt like we’re “cheating” on our church lol! But, I figure there is no harm is searching, even if it just leads us back to where we are.

Also, I’m thinking about reading the book “Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner” which even has a weekly online group to discuss things on the author’s website.  The older I get the more I realize how my childhood, especially abuse, has scarred me to the point that it affects my relationship with my husband. I am seeking a Christian counselor to better help me, but I thought reading this book might help as well to see how people can over come this (and Wendy’s story is way more traumatic than mine).

So that’s my game plan right now.  I think I’ve hit the point after grief where the world is starting to look better and I’m thankful for my experiences, though painful, because of the growth it always brings.  When Kaylee was born my (amazing) social worker gave me a journal that she wrote the poem “After A While” by Veronica Shoftsall in it along with a note to me.   I use that journal now as my prayer journal so I pulled it out today for the first time in months and read it over again.  In the light of the fresh loss of our babies, it rings even truer today than it did back then at the age of 16.  Though this poem is about love relationships, I see my children that I’ve had say goodbye to one way or another in it.  But, in the last lines I’m finding strength again.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

Like I said before, this past weekend was the first time in 2-3 years that I’ve had a sleep over visit with Kaylee’s family. As expected, it was a complete blast and a wonderful visit.  Savannah was so excited to see Kaylee, she talked about it for 2 weeks ahead of time. So, when we finally arrived to Kaylee’s graduation, I thought she would jump over the church pews to go see her.  Besides Savannah’s excitement, she did very well during the graduation ceremony and Kaylee was adorable in her little cap and gown!  And?  Who knew 4 year olds could learn every single book in the Bible by heart.  The Old Testament alone is 66 books and they spit them out like it was the ABCs! Amazing.

After graduation and dinner, Kaylee and Savannah played and played together for hours. It is so neat to see them now that they are both older and interact more.  Dress up is clearly a favorite of both girls and I helped them change a million times, especially for a trip to the “beach” where they both wore pink princess dresses and had rolling book bags and suitcases for their travels (and Savannah had an umbrella because it was apparently raining). It was adorable! I wish I had a picture.  However, you know how sleep overs go and there is little sleep involved. Who knew a 5 year old and 2 year old already know sleep over rules? After lots of frustration and some mean Mommy voice, I finally took Savannah to a dark quiet room where she immediately passed out on me around 10:30pm.  At 11pm Kaylee came in to sleep with us, and then the day started all over again at the lovely hour of 6:40am because Savannah was hungry.  I was exhausted, but watching those together two totally makes up for it.

Saturday was Kaylee’s birthday “get together,” where my Dad and family came to visit and pick up Savannah to babysit for the next two weeks. Let me tell you, it’s hard to watch your child drive away with some one else knowing you won’t see them for days! It was almost like telling Kaylee goodbye after her birth all over again. However, I have to say it was nice to just relax with Savannah gone and I was able to get some time to myself and one on one time with Kaylee and her parents.  Now that I’m home, it is VERY weird to be here in this quiet house with out her sweet voice. I’m constantly having to remind myself she isn’t here and not needing to do this or that (my brain is scheduled around hers!). It’s also so very nice to get things done! But, we sure do miss her.

Anyways, it was a great visit and I’m loving watching these two girls grow up and bond together. Kaylee even called Savannah her “Sissy” some times, I love how open our relationship is. Here are the silly girls in action, they already know how to do the silly girl photo poses as well. They grow so fast!

It seems like adoption has always been apart of my world, when I was a young child I had cousins and aunts adopted into our family so it was just a natural thing for me to grow up with. However, not until I became a birthmother at 16 did I truly take an interest and acquire a passion for adoption.  One thing I learned?  Dave Thomas, ya know the Wendy’s founder, was adopted as a child and later in his life set up an Adoption program for to help Foster Care children find forever homes.  But really, besides knowing that fact, I hadn’t given it much thought in how I could help.

But, this weekend we can all easily help these children find permanent homes with just a few clicks and a yummy treat. Father’s Day weekend is coming up very soon! And for the special Dad occasion on June 20th and June 21st Wendy’s will donate .50 cents for each frosty purchased to go toward the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.   And, for every Father’s Day Frosty card sent on their website they will donate .25 cents to the program.  How easy is that? Like I said, just a few clicks to send your favorite Dads a card and taking them out for a yummy Frosty treat not only to brightens their day and says thanks for all they do, but also helps these children.  It’s a win-win situation.

Thanks to Mom Central for sharing the information for this helpful cause!