Can we get some praise on up in here?

2012 I deemed the year of healing, and its moving right along in that direction. And its only January 26th. God is good. I love that sometimes you simply have to ask and be willing to take a step forward and He will answer.

Soul healing wise, I feel God moving and changing me already. And counseling so far? I’ve only been three times, but already God is using it to bring peace and understanding. Do you know how freeing that is? He’s not only used it to help understand decisions in my own life, but for Mark as well. He hasn’t gone with me (yet), but the things I’ve uncovered about my life are connected to his life, too. Its neat to see how God is speaking through this time and also using it to grow Mark and I closer.

Also, while this wasn’t exactly on my mind when I talked about healing before, God has answered it none-the-less. Jaxson is out growing his food allergies! He (WE! Because we are still nursing and loving it) can eat dairy now all we want.  I’ve had it in my diet for over a month now pretty consistently every day and no rashes have appeared or an upset tummy. Then, one day I experimented with him eating some yogurt in a smoothie. Nothing. Then yogurt straight out of the container. Nothing. Its been over 3 weeks now and I’m pretty sure his body has decided dairy isn’t all that bad. I still haven’t tried milk as a drink or given him cheese directly, but we’ll get there. Soy also doesn’t seem to bother him all of sudden either (which is great since its in everything, it seems). I haven’t tried nuts yet or eggs (although I still eat eggs baked in things occasionally, like a cookie last night, and there was no reaction). I know its common for food allergies to be out grown around 1 year old and I’m praising God we seem to be following in that pattern. It was just about 1 year ago his rashes started popping up out of no where, and I’m grateful that this year we conquered them and his cheeks are silky smooth as they should be!

So, mommas that have dealt with allergies while nursing or food allergies in general…have hope. Sure, allergies won’t always disappear but have hope that you can at least get them under control with a little change :-)

Any praise reports in your life? Big, small. Its all God loving on you. Soak it in.

Every year on Christmas I have to decide whether I want to purchase my domain name again. Do I want to keep blogging? I know I’ve been very absent lately from busyness, sickness, holidays…and simply because my writing is equated with my relationship with God. When I’m distant from God, I’m distant from writing. Obviously, I’ve renewed for another year so I’m hoping to step up my game on writing again

Let’s start with the old and new year, shall we?

I kinda feel like 2011 was a let down after 2010. I knew it would feel like that after how awesome 2010 was. The entire year was full of huge milestones and excitement: buying our first house together, graduating college, my pregnancy, the ultimate high of having Jaxson in a wonderful natural birth, and most importantly growing in Christ. The year ended with me feeling extremely blessed with all that He had provided. I know not every year can be full of big exciting news. Some years are harder than others, life is a roller coaster ride and I know we’ve got to cling to God and hold on! The funny thing is, I can’t pinpoint why 2011 was hard for me because there weren’t any huge griefs going on. No one died, no miscarriages, we were all healthy, etc.  We were blessed in that sense compared to other families surrounding me. But, I did have the emotional adjustment of adding to our family and how that has affected my relationships. Or, simply sleep deprivation. That makes any little issue harder to manage without a properly rested and functioning brain!  Otherwise, I still have great friends and support that God has placed in my life at the right times. I still have a growing church community surrounding me.  I still have my little family and dreams for our future. I need to be content with where God has me right now and the daily milestones my kids meet every single day, like Jaxson saying new words and Savannah learning to write her letters . Or, my husband and I growing closer together and to God as we learn how to “fill each other up” via our love languages. I know those are still big things in little ways.

Looking back, we did meet all the things I had hoped for in  2011.  We all grew in our relationship with God, we ate healthier and took care of our bodies better, we attended church more regularly and we both got involved more to not only serve but also to get to know others. Those certainly are blessings and goals met. But all those good things, I still don’t quite get why I look back at 2011 and glad its over. I think maybe its the trash lingering, damaging my perspective.

2012 I’m deeming as the year of healing. There is lots of baggage hiding around in the back corner of my heart that are stinking it up. Its wafting its way up to my daily life, like how I respond to my kids and husband. Things that happened as far back as 20 years ago…memories that I need to give up to God and find peace with. Forgiving others for their actions against me. Forgiving myself. Things that simply need to go to the curb. I’m starting weekly counseling through my church, which I’m both very nervous about and yet looking forward to. Nervous because it means those old memories and wounds have to be brought up to the surface again…and that means pain. Or guilt. Feeling ashamed. But, I’m looking forward to the end results. Just like the pantry we are building right now in our house, the room has to get messier before it gets cleaned and organized.  I look forward to where I will be a year from now, I have a feeling it will be a beautiful thing to look back and reflect on 2012.

I have faith that God will do big things this year repairing the rooms within my heart.

Sorry I dropped off the face of the blogging earth a month ago. I was doing so good for 11 days!  I’m bummed I didn’t continue the trend, but life happened.  Jaxson’s birthday busyness happened.

His party was a huge success, surround by our close family and best friends. We had a vegan cake made with applesauce that was yummy!  The weather was gorgeous so we all got to play outside and enjoy the last of the fall leaves. My wonder friend Leslie took some awesome pictures for us at his party.  This one is my favorite and just captures his personality perfectly. He’s such a happy, goofy boy!

The very next day I was struck down my mastitis out of now where! So that left me with no energy for about a week, barely able to take care of my kids, and definitely not blogging. Then life just got busy with Thanksgiving, play dates, grocery shopping, piles of laundry, trips out of town, Kaylee’s annual Christmas visit…and now sleepness nights thanks to teething molars.

November was busy, December is proving to be even busier! Just wanted to say hi if any one is still reading, and that we’re all alive and well :-) A little tired, but we’re good!

I’m am exhausted. It’s been a busy day cleaning, running errands, and preparing for a certain little boy’s 1st birthday tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m grateful for rest. Not just physical rest for my mind and body, but for my soul, too. A rest that only God can give.

I love how different Bible translations can change just one simple word and it can change the entire feeling and meaning. Tonight and tomorrow, this one fits:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (ESV).  Today, I’ve been working hard preparing. My body is tired from constantly moving, sometimes with a 19 pound boy strapped on my back when he wanted his Momma. A year ago, my body was literally in labor bringing him into this world and God provided rest and relaxation during so.

Usually though, I think of this version, because it reminds myself to bring my worries to Christ. A soulful rest. Peace.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (NIV).

Goodnight, all. Tomorrow I have a 1 year old. I need my rest both physically and in my soul…

…I can’t believe its been a year…

Hopefully I can pass out like Savannah does.

Colors make me happy.

Savannah keeps asking what my favorite color is and I tell her I can’t pick just one. I love them all in their own way and for their own purpose.  I love the colors that God has given us in nature (Our pastor joked one Sunday that God’s favorite colors must be green and brown because they are found everywhere!). I love the color of food, especially when my plate is loaded with many vibrant contrasting colors of fresh fruits or veggies. I love the colors found in my wardrobe; a lot of teals and greens. I love the blue of my husband’s eyes and the purple of an orchid.

I’m thankful that we don’t live in a black and white world, but one full of excitement and beauty. One where a burst of color in the golden and red trees outside in the November sun can feel like a love note from God, too.

Just about every afternoon when Mark gets home for work, they all head outside to play while I finish dinner. Occasionally, I sneak away from dinner when I have a minute and watch scenes like this. Moments full of laughter and joy. Bonding. Watching our little zombie walker trying to run away carrying a football practically as big as he is. The way Savannah sequels with delight as she runs away and tries to get a “touchdown.”

It’s the best football “games” there are (and a lot more entertaining than the real deal football for this non-sports-fan!)

Its hard to believe its been 2 years since we started our search for a home with our awesome realtor, turned friend (You can read about our roller coaster ride here, scroll down to the bottom). We looked at many houses in different areas, price ranges, different ages. Nothing felt right…until I walked into the door and glanced into the room that I’m in now as I type this. It was perfect. It still is perfect for our needs. Like finding a spouse…you just know when its the one. We love it. I seriously look around every day amazed at the home God had placed into our lives despite our long wish-list of needs in a home.

For one, we had a very small budget that made it difficult but this was actually under our goal! It has the open concept I wanted to be able to see my kids where ever I am and run around the house to chase them (or loop around in circles while trying to keep contractions going a year ago!). It has the perfect amount of rooms we needed, including a playroom/office (I guess a guest room would be nice, but we make it work!). It was a newer construction and in excellent condition (no brass fixtures or fixer-uppers for us, please!). The location is idea, with an awesome school down the road and close to highways and shopping. Our neighbors are pretty cool, too. And one of the best things? We don’t have to mow our own yard. Mark and I are not yard working type of people. Since we technically live in a town home (yet amazingly share no walls with neighbors!) HOA handles the yard maintenance. God knew what we needed and absolutely blessed us with this home exactly when we needed it…coincidentally we found it the same time that I should of had the twins I miscarried in December 2009. We honestly could in vision us staying here forever, living a simple life. When we have more kids they can bunk beds, right? :-)

Here’s our house when we found it 2 years ago. Now it has a swing and a million pink-and-purple toys all over the porch! And it has blinds, definitely love having blinds. Thank you God for our warm home!

 Baby feet are adorable. They are chubby and wrinkly. They’re spontaneous. Adventurous.  Never stinky.

A year ago these feet were kicking within me, now they are paddling around my house in a zombie fashion with the sound of pitter-patter and baby jabber. We spend our time tickling them and playing this-little-piggy.

I’m thankful that simply my kids have feet. I’m thankful they are a reminder of how small they used to be– and where their feet will take them someday.

Today was Orphan Sunday at our church and it sparked that passion inside I have for adoption on many levels, reminding me of the importance of adoption.

I’m thankful for how God has used adoption in my life, the story He’s given us to display His glory, the life He’s given Kaylee with her awesome parents. The mere fact that He had it all planned out– He took my bad choices and orchestrated it into a beautiful time line of events and blessed our relationship. I’m grateful for how adoption was an avenue God used to redeem my own life. And in another perspective, I’m thankful that we are all adopted into God’s family if we chose to accept it!

Jesus said in Matthew 25:45, “I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.”

“Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.” James 1:27

We talked about God calling us to help orphans and widows in various ways. Adoption, of course, being one of those ways, along with supporting those who are trying to adopt, sponsoring a child, or going on a mission trip, etc. Or, simply praying for them. Makes me wonder what God has in store for our future and how He’ll use us to help as we continue our walk!

By the way, November is National Adoption Awareness Month! Anything you want to know that I can help answer?

Strangely, yes, I am thankful for tough times. I know that sounds weird, who likes to go through a rough patch in life or have a bad day? I don’t. But in hindsight I am thankful for them because they stretch and grow me in new ways.  They build character. They refine me, like a a fire purifying gold. And ultimately, they draw me closer to God. That’s the best part.

Today has been one of those days.

Granted, I know I am blessed in that my life could be far worse than it is but little things are getting me down today, from issues going on within my marriage to the fact that Jaxson’s birthday is in a week….I’m an emotional wreck today. I feel blue (I’m sure hormones are adding to the emotional equation as my body is still going through transitions thanks to breastfeeding). I feel hopeless at times about certain things in life. I’m questioning God and His timing. I’m re-living the emotions I felt a year ago.

I’m a person that loves to reminisce and treasures silly things like ticket stubs, just so I can remember what movie I saw at what time and with who. Birthdays are like looking at a ticket stub to me. They suddenly rush back memories, good and bad. Of how and where I spent my day, first moments, emotions, frustrations, things I would change or wish I could re-live. The one thing that has brought tears more than once today is knowing that a year ago tonight, right now, I was in labor with Jaxson…and I miss it. A labor that started on its own on his due date, accelerated me to 6cm dilated and quit. Stopped. I consider this night the beginning of my birth experience, because after all, it was real contractions and real progress but that just happened to hit pause and left me hanging with a “To Be Continued” sign until a week later. It left me grieving the birth I didn’t have yet, it left me angry and confused. But yet, it left me having no where else to turn but to God for comfort. I look back at the blog post I wrote a few days after my stalled labor and again feel that deep disappointment and confusion, but I can also see a humble strength while I cried on my knees. And then, just a few days later I see a renewed strength and growth that only God could have given me. I can see how God used that time to draw me into His arms and love on me, urging me to trust Him. Just like in the many hard times I’ve had in my life whether small moments like this, or large ones like like my adoption experience or miscarriage, He’s always taught me things through them.

I know its silly that, not only am I crying about missing his birth experience, but the fact that his actual birthday is a week away! Tonight I’m trusting He’ll use my grief again and teach me something…and turn this birthday grieving into celebration of his birth and joy for the awesome little guy Jaxson is today one year later.

And, I’m trusting He’ll bless me with the experience of another natural birth in the future :-)